The Most Horrific Tale You May Ever Hear!

There are some things in this world that make me wince at the mere thought, for example someone falling from a great height in a sitting position straight onto a red hot poker which impales them up their batty hole! There are other things that repulse me almost to the point of retching, for example the thought of eating a bowl of festy pus or licking a sweaty old granny's hairy armpit!!

Put both of these feelings together and you start to get an idea of the way I feel towards the world's most disgusting and vile creature - the cockroach! There are some things in this world that I truely believe God did not create, or if He did, have been grotesquely deformed by the devil - the cockroach is one of these. I have to be careful not to start on a long rant such is my loathing of these creatures.

So, let me recollect a harrowing and horrifying tale. It starts 2 nights ago when I was in my Bed and felt something on my head, brushing it off I thought it must be a spider. I have had such encounters many times - and the small spiders here don't worry me, so I soon fell back to sleep.

Fast forward now to last night. Once again as I was drifting off I felt something, this time on my face. As I brushed it off I heard the flap of wings. I suddenly realised it was not a spider and to my horror in the darkness of my room I saw the shaddowy figure of a gigantic flying cockroach (about the size of a small walrus!) skuttling acoss my pillow.

I sprung out of bed like a man possessed, flicked on the light and stood shivering with disgust in the centre of my room. I felt dirty and violated, not only that such a vile creature had entered the protective cacoon of my mosquito net but also that quite certainly it had been there since the previous night scuttling goodness knows where around my bed as I slept!!!

I grabbed my can of Doom and started searching for it, thanking God at the same time that the electricity was on. Oh my friends, woe betide the "kiss of death!" for the moment I voiced my thanks to God for the electricity, the light started to flicker! In complete panic I started spraying the doom everywhere trying to find the loathsome fat mama. Suddenly it jumped at me - it was a slow motion moment, and I swear I could almost see the whites of it's eyes as it came through the air. I blapsed it down and emptied about half a can of doom onto it, screaching with anger. And there it lay twitching. And no more than 2 seconds later the power went off. Praise be and all glory and thanks to Jesus! For had the power gone off but 10 seconds earlier I would have been in complete darkness not knowing where the detestible thing was and my nightmare would have been complete.

So join in my war cry now -

"death to all roaches, the filth of the earth,
death to all roaches, may you never give birth,
death to all roaches, how dare you you scum,
come into my bed, and make me feel numb,
death to all roaches, I just can't abide,
I'll strike you all down, with Doom at my side,
I'll laugh at you twitching, life ebbing away,
so death to all roaches, forever I say!"

Timmo's Personal Ponderous Proverbs - Verse 3

Greetings my monkeys! Once again it is time to delve into the book of Timmo to find yet another Ponderous Proverb that speaks of wisdom gained from interseting and sometimes unfortunate experiences. Here is verse 3!

The man that doth think that he can useth undiluted household Dettol on any bodily part will only learn a painful lesson!

To exemplify this proverb I'll tell you a little story: "Once there was a man named Shabooboo, this man whilst in the delerium of Malarial fever managed to cut one of his "golden chestnuts." The last thing he wanted was to end up with infection. He searched around for antiseptic cream or TCP but could find none. Finally he found a bottle of household Dettol in the kitchen.

Taking the Dettol and without really thinking he spalshed it on liberally without dilution. He described later that the burning he felt was as if he had dipped his golden chestnut into acid and then plunged it into the heart of the sun.

The story does not end here however as the next day he found to his dismay that layers of skin were peeling off. Thankfully, although really rather dim, he wasn't a complete moron and remebered that salt water was very healing. He thus managed to save his golden chestnut but not without learning a painful lesson."

Here endeth the lesson friends. God speed.

My New Worst Enemy!!

Many of you will know of my new acquired passion for killing rats (and by the way the ones living in our house seem to have gotton crafty and I have now gone over 2 months without getting one of the filthy ragtoes!). However the place in my heart reserved for special loathing has now been filled with another animal or insect in this case - the mosquito!

The reason for this is simple - malaria. I am just getting over my second bout since December, and this one was worse than the last (I won't go into details!) In fact, I have to say that this has not been a good week at all. On top of malaria I have also had a very itchy red rash on my heel, a toothache and finally somehow managed to cut myself in a rather delicate place. Without naming that place outright I'll simply refer to it as one of my golden chestnuts! Quadruple-Wamey!!

Anyway in the wake of this difficult week let the whole world of mosquitoes be warned of my wrath, for it will be you that will bare the brunt of what will surely become a one-man mentally crazed uncontrollable attack on you with any instrument of death and tortue I can get my hands on from cans of Doom to flame throwers and if you push me far enough, nuclear devices!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!