I have always thought about aerobics with a certain amount of mirth! The idea of fat ladies in spendex throwing their wobbly bits around to some hardcore dance tracks, led by a slightly pervy muscular man with bulges protruding from his tight fitting lycra shorts for some reason always made me laugh!
Well, this weekend in Kampala whilst visiting some friends I was invited to attend an aerobics session. “fabulous!” I thought, “this will be a right good laugh!”
So off to Aerobics I trotted with Jjunju Fred, Jon, Katherine and Gemma. I walked in to see an array of Ugandans ranging from fairly fit to “rotund” (to put it nicely!). Then to my delight in walked the instructor – yes, he had tight bulging lycra shorts, and looked like he loved himself a bit too much! I smiled to myself, looking forward to a much needed giggle!
Well, off we went at a scorching pace. Take a moment if you will, to imagine Mr Motivator drugged up to the eyeballs with ecstasy and blapsing out crazy moves to insanely fast African Ragga beats! Perhaps another way to imagine it would be watching a recording of an English aerobics session on fast-forward! Well, if you have those images in your mind, you’re pretty close to my first experience of Ugandan aerobics! With Jjunju Fred in front of me totally ignoring the instructor and just enjoying his own “special” musical interpretation through the medium of dance, I certainly got the good laugh I’d come for.
That was for the first 10 minutes…..
After about 10 minutes I started feeling a bit tired and stopped laughing. After 20 minutes I was really struggling. Looking around I discovered that even the flabby Ugandan lady with an astronomical batty behind me was thoroughly enjoying herself and keeping up. Indignant that I wouldn’t be outdone by “Maama Bombastic Batty” I gritted my teeth, took a swig of water and kept going. Needless to say, the smile was well and truly wiped off my face by now!
After a further 10 minutes I felt quite nauseous. At this point I had 2 choices, both of which were rather shameful to me. Either take a break, or carry on with the possible outcome of either vomiting everywhere or perhaps even dying. I took the first option.
I went outside and collapsed on the floor muttering to myself. It was then I looked over and saw a bunch of Ugandan woman laughing at me. Oh the shame! One even dug the knife in by coming over and asking if I needed help “you look unwell, perhaps you should lie down!” Well! Really!! I couldn’t have this! I’d come to aerobics to have a laugh at some flabby Ugandans and now it was I who was the object of mockery! I composed myself, and after having stern words with myself, (which yes did involve the phrase “C’mon Bitch” – I know my sisters were wondering!) I felt ready for a second wind!
Well, all I can say is that God gave me strength – they were onto the step aerobics by now – an utterly confusing mix of stepping on bits of wood, kicking legs in the air, punching imaginary opponents and a fair amount of spinning around and booty shaking.
Somehow I got through it and was relieved when the music stopped and everyone started stretching. Home time – Hallelujah…Oh praise be to God, this nightmare is over! I could have kissed someone! But no, it was a cruel, cruel trick, it wasn’t the end at all but simply a “breather!” Everyone was getting mats to do another set of exercises. I felt I was going to die right there. I think God realised at this point that I had learnt enough humility for one day and provided me with his saving grace! My phone rang – it was my parents. He had provided a legitimate way out without losing any more face – Thank You Jesus.
Well, lesson learned! Never again will I mock aerobics, I have a new found respect for those that put themselves through such an experience every week! I thanked the Lord for teaching me humility but also made a point of asking him to do it differently next time!
What ever did happen to Mr Motivator by the way??
