The most Horrific Tale you may ever hear (except for perhaps the other story that I gave exactly the same title to a while back!)

Every so often I have a truly shockingly bad experience here in Uganda. The last time I wrote a story with such a title involved a very large cockroach in my bed that even decided to take an excursion onto my face and which I only JUST managed to kill before the power suddenly went off! (A truly close call!)

Well, a few days ago I had another terrifying experience and one which will once again take some time, and no doubt a certain amount of counselling to recover from!

I must first explain the state of mind I was in that day because, much as what I did was inexcusable, I would like to claim some element of insanity. I had had a ridiculously busy few days off the back of a busy few weeks. In fact I had not had a proper day off for almost 3 weeks and was feeling the strain.

I awoke in the morning to realise that in 10 minutes I was scheduled to be giving a computer lesson down at the church so in a half asleep state fumbled around and jumped into Duncan’s car to head down to the church.

It was as I was driving that the shameful, unimaginably awful moment of realisation occurred to me. I was thinking, “driving this car seems strange this morning...it feels a bit weird...”

I looked down, and lo and behold....and please brace yourself my friends because this was a scenario I had never fully prepared myself for....I was wearing SOCKS AND SANDALS!!!!

It was a terrible, terrible moment best described by the famous words towards the end of the classic Vietnam war film, Apocalypse Now: “The horror......the horror.....”

Please pray for me friends, it may be many months before I can face society again

Easter Shenanigans!!!

Well, Easter has come and gone and I must apologise for being rubbish at updating my blog recently!

Whilst the White Eagle’s don’t get their holidays for another 3 weeks, thankfully they were let out of school for a long Easter weekend which we made the most of, the highlight of which was a trip to Lake Nabugabo. At this point I should probably say that we had a special guest with us, a rather fabulous girl called Sarah from the UK who had come to work with us for 2 weeks.

It was therefore good that we had a trip to the Lake as she was given the baptism of fire that is the journey there and back all crammed into the back of a truck (great fun although I have to say I was a little disappointed at the lack of break-neck speeds which usually go hand in hand with these trips. It seems the drivers are actually starting to realise that there’s something called “speed limits” mores the pity!)

The weather was no less than superb, we slaughtered and munched a whole pig as usual, played volleyball, swam and DANCED! For the first time that I can remember we had the inspired idea of taking the PA equipment and danced like rabid monkeys (some more than others)! My personal highlight was seeing the large frame of Mama Kat being shaken all over the place like a woman possessed by the power of Funk! (you know say!!) All in all, a really rather fantabulous day!

Oh…and with regards to the cheeky little lady that is Sarah Giles, well now, that’s a WHOLE other story, and one probably best left for me to tell in person rather than over the internet!!! ;-)

Timmo’s Personal Ponderous Proverbs - Verse 5

“The man that mocks will sooner or later find that a lesson in humility will come his way and HE will end up being the object of others shameful hilarity!”

I have always thought about aerobics with a certain amount of mirth! The idea of fat ladies in spendex throwing their wobbly bits around to some hardcore dance tracks, led by a slightly pervy muscular man with bulges protruding from his tight fitting lycra shorts for some reason always made me laugh!

Well, this weekend in Kampala whilst visiting some friends I was invited to attend an aerobics session. “fabulous!” I thought, “this will be a right good laugh!”

So off to Aerobics I trotted with Jjunju Fred, Jon, Katherine and Gemma. I walked in to see an array of Ugandans ranging from fairly fit to “rotund” (to put it nicely!). Then to my delight in walked the instructor – yes, he had tight bulging lycra shorts, and looked like he loved himself a bit too much! I smiled to myself, looking forward to a much needed giggle!



Well, off we went at a scorching pace. Take a moment if you will, to imagine Mr Motivator drugged up to the eyeballs with ecstasy and blapsing out crazy moves to insanely fast African Ragga beats! Perhaps another way to imagine it would be watching a recording of an English aerobics session on fast-forward! Well, if you have those images in your mind, you’re pretty close to my first experience of Ugandan aerobics! With Jjunju Fred in front of me totally ignoring the instructor and just enjoying his own “special” musical interpretation through the medium of dance, I certainly got the good laugh I’d come for.

That was for the first 10 minutes…..

After about 10 minutes I started feeling a bit tired and stopped laughing. After 20 minutes I was really struggling. Looking around I discovered that even the flabby Ugandan lady with an astronomical batty behind me was thoroughly enjoying herself and keeping up. Indignant that I wouldn’t be outdone by “Maama Bombastic Batty” I gritted my teeth, took a swig of water and kept going. Needless to say, the smile was well and truly wiped off my face by now!

After a further 10 minutes I felt quite nauseous. At this point I had 2 choices, both of which were rather shameful to me. Either take a break, or carry on with the possible outcome of either vomiting everywhere or perhaps even dying. I took the first option.

I went outside and collapsed on the floor muttering to myself. It was then I looked over and saw a bunch of Ugandan woman laughing at me. Oh the shame! One even dug the knife in by coming over and asking if I needed help “you look unwell, perhaps you should lie down!” Well! Really!! I couldn’t have this! I’d come to aerobics to have a laugh at some flabby Ugandans and now it was I who was the object of mockery! I composed myself, and after having stern words with myself, (which yes did involve the phrase “C’mon Bitch” – I know my sisters were wondering!) I felt ready for a second wind!

Well, all I can say is that God gave me strength – they were onto the step aerobics by now – an utterly confusing mix of stepping on bits of wood, kicking legs in the air, punching imaginary opponents and a fair amount of spinning around and booty shaking.

Somehow I got through it and was relieved when the music stopped and everyone started stretching. Home time – Hallelujah…Oh praise be to God, this nightmare is over! I could have kissed someone! But no, it was a cruel, cruel trick, it wasn’t the end at all but simply a “breather!” Everyone was getting mats to do another set of exercises. I felt I was going to die right there. I think God realised at this point that I had learnt enough humility for one day and provided me with his saving grace! My phone rang – it was my parents. He had provided a legitimate way out without losing any more face – Thank You Jesus.

Well, lesson learned! Never again will I mock aerobics, I have a new found respect for those that put themselves through such an experience every week! I thanked the Lord for teaching me humility but also made a point of asking him to do it differently next time!

What ever did happen to Mr Motivator by the way??

Timmo's Personal Ponderous Proverbs - Verse 4

Well my friends, it's been a long time since I've shared one of my pearls of wisdom so here is the latest one for you meditate on:

“The Man who findeth a blister on his toe and yet findeth that it doth not hurt should be wary of what he may find inside.”




Having recently played a lot of football I was not surprised the other day to find what I thought was a large blister on one of my toes. However on closer examination I discovered that when touching it, it did not hurt in the slightest. This I found strange as blisters, even when only small, sting like hell. It was then that I remembered back to my early days in Uganda in 2000 when I had a similar blister looking ailment of the toe.

Knowing what needed to be done I sent for Tom, who not only is a very good gardener but also dabbles in small-scale surgical procedures. Armed with a sharp pin he skilfully undertook this simple, yet life saving (or at least toe-saving) procedure. Scraping away the top-skin he finally exposed the little fella that had been living snugly inside my toe a “jigga” or worm! All part and parcel of life in Uganda my friends!

Oh, and Tom says could I please promote his business so yes, Tom’s surgery is open 9-5 every day, by way of appointment for a range of small-scale procedures including jigga removal, anti-malarial suppository insertion (complete with Vaseline lubrication) and rabies injections along with a limited range of ‘erbal remedies!

Unstoppable White Eagles Dappers Claim Third Straight Title!

There were mixed fortunes for the White Eagle’s junior and senior teams in the climax of this years LMC Confederations cup of Masaka.

The Junior White Eagles Bombastical Bredrins went into their rematch of last years final with Nyendo Kids club with high hopes of exacting revenge for last years defeat. However things did not start well with a slip in the first 5 minutes by the keeper Bonni, gifting the simplest of goals to Nyendo. This ended up being the only goal in the first 45 minutes as chances were at a premium in what can only be described as a war of attrition.

The Bredrins, roused by half time encouragement from Pastor Duncan and manager Ngobya Dan, ploughed on but things turned from bad to worse when Kyagulanyi, leading scorer with 7 goals, took his tally to 8 with a fine strike for Nyendo. The response was swift with a long range free kick from Dauda bringing hope for the Bredrins. However, a further 2 strikes for Nyendo saw them retain the cup with the Bredrins once again falling at the last hurdle. Nyendo it was who deservedly took the trophy along with Rupert the goat, 4-1 winners on the day.



In the Senior section The White Eagles Dappers of devastation breezed through their semi final 5-1 winners over Kimanya to meet Laisi Windscreen F.C who won a thrilling penalty shoot out on sudden death in their semi fianl against Nyendo Seniors.

The Dappers showed no respect for the top scoring team Laisi Windscreen, scorers of an unprecedented 30 goals on their way to the finals. With sweeping moves of one touch passing the Dappers quality was on another level as goals from Dausi, Kivumbi and Javira put them 3-0 up at the break. A goal a-piece for each side at the start of the second half made it 4-1, and a fine header from Ntayilo gave Laisi Winscreen hope at 4-2. This was before an inspired double substitution with Tim Crow and Jon Room entering the field of play which injected new life and pace into the Dappers midfield and striking line. This enabled the Dappers to add a further 2 goals, the last of which was a fine breakaway strike as Crow put Room through to score a goal on his first appearance for the Dappers since his recent move from Oxford United.

6-2 it finished and a delighted Dappers team raised the trophy for the third time in as many years before moving onto the greater task of feasting on Callum the Cow!!

White Eagles March On!

WHITE EAGLES BOMBASTICAL BREDRINS 4 - THE DESTROYER F.C. 2



The Bredins entered this semi-final match high in confidence after their composed performance in beating Spanner Youngsters in the quarter-finals. They could not rest on their lorels however as their opponents, The Destroyer F.C. had previously beaten Spanner Youngsters in the group stage in a thrilling 3-2 win, coming back from 2-0 down. They also lived up to their name in destroying the hopes of Ntake F.C. in a 2-0 win in their quarter final match on Friday.

The first half was a a goal-fest that swung one way and then the other. In what can only be described as an onslought, the Bredrins took a 4-0 lead in just 25 minutes with strikes from Serunjoje, Dauda, Brian and Umaru. And it could have been worse for the Destroyer were it not for some wastefull striking by Serunjoje and Brian who could have, and should have made it 6!

As is so often the case, missed chances can come back to haunt you and no sooner should the game have been put beyond doubt, that the Destroyer found their feet and in 2 minutes of maddness from the Bredrins the score was suddenly 4-2. The second goal deserves special mention as it was a superb 25-yard strike when the Destroyer number 8 was left with far too much space.

The Destroyer had tasted the come-back and pushed on. It was only some last gasp defending that ensured that the Bredrins still went in at half time with a 2 goal lead.

If the first half was a goal fest, the second half was anything but, with neither keeper having to pick the ball out of their net. The Destroyer keeper however had a very busy half as the Bredrins broke upon the Destroyer defence like a crashing wave. Once again, some wasteful striking was to blame for the Bredrins tally staying put, although in fairness the besieged Destroyer defence and keeper put up stiff resistance that enabled them to leave the tournamwnt with some dignity.

The Bredrins will need to be more clinical come Saturday afternoon when they will face a re-match of last years final against Nyendo Kids Club (formaly Express F.C.). The question is, will the Bredrins have their revenge and take the trophy, or will they once again fall at the last hurdle? Watch this space!

White Eagles "Soar" in LMC Confederations Cup!

WHITE EAGLES BOMBASTICAL BREDRINS 2 - SPANNER YOUNGSTERS 2
(WHITE EAGLES WIN 4-3 ON PENALTIES)


This years LMC Confederations Cup of Masaka has so far been nothing less than Fantabulous! With 22 teams, just under 400 players and a good dose of African energy the tournament has seen some of Uganda's best young footballing talent on display, with a FEAST of wonderous strikes, the odd upset, agonising heartbreak and moments of pure ecstasy!

On the Junior side, the White Eagles Bombastical Bredrins performed admirably in the group stage with a win and a draw to take them through to the quarter final stage where they met one of the most physically challenging junior teams - Spanner Youngsters, a local garage team. Going into the match as underdogs, it was in fact the Bredrins who delivered a masterclass in sweeping passing moves as they scored 2 well constructed goals to lead 2-0 at half time, Serunjoje and Umaru the scorers.

In the second half however Spanner exerted their physical presence to force the issue and with a penalty goal mid-way thorough the half, the pressure was back on the Bredrins. Although the Bredrins pushed for a third it was Spanner Youngsters who took their chance with a last gasp strike that took this quarter final show-down into a dreaded penalty shoot-out.

You would expect that with their tails up, Spanner would be the more confident going into the roulette that is the penalty shoot-out but in the end it was the Bredrins who held their nerve to seal a 4-3 win and a tough semi-final meeting against The Destroyer F.C.
___________________________________________________

WHITE EAGLES DAPPERS OF DEVASTATION 5 - BLACKSTARS 1

Last years' senior winners, the White Eagle's Dappers of Devastation, had a smooth ride to the quarter finals with 3-1, 3-0, 3-0 and 5-1 wins in their groups stage as they topped the group without dropping a single point.

With a weight of expectation upon them they met Blackstars at Kitovu Stadium in their quarter final. The pressure seemed to show as they labourted in the 30 degree heat and the first 20 minutes saw the Dappers miss a host of gilt-edged chances.

Fianlly in the 25th minute the Tall defender Dausi, rose above the Blackstars defence to score the oponer from a corner. Minutes later he rose again in what was almost a carbon copy of the first goal to put the Dappers 2-0 up. However a mix up between Katongole the keeper and Dausi saw the ball roll into the Dappers net just before half time for a very soft goal and a reduction of the deficit to 2-1.

The second half performance was a tale of goals and cards. Although the Dappers mid-field and striking line missed another host of chances against a limp Blackstars side, they did manage to add a further 3 goals to their tally. This did however come at the expense of 2 yellow cards and 1 straight Red. Bickering in the Dappers team led to the referee brandishing his Red card for the first time this year against the skillful striker Kalisa, followed by yellows for Makela and Kasujja. Kalisa will no doubt be kicking himself for the stupidest of red cards that will mean he will watch the rest of the tournamnet from the touch line. A sad end to his tournamnet but hopefully not an end for the Dappers who will meet Kimanya F.C. in the semis.

All in all, job done for the Dappers, but not without it's costs.

Boy's Home Building Update!

many apologies goes out to one and all for the fact that I haven't updated my blog for alomost 2 months! Shocking!

Anyway, I had a fabulous Christmas back in the UK where I also enjoyed 2 weddings, the first a good friend's, and the second my eldest sisters both of which were botty-shakingly raggadoodoo!

Anyway, when I left Uganda at the end of December I left when the building work on the second phase of the Boys Home had just began. This includes a living room/dining room, 2 toilets, a shower and a kitchen.

7 years after the first 6 rooms of the boys home were completed it's fantastic to finally have the finances to continue with the building work. Of course, thanks goes out to all those who have given money to help us in this venture but I should say that we still need about another 14,000 pounds to complete the whole house in its entirity. So anyone with some spare money lying around wondering what to do with it, look no further - this is the project for you!!

Coming back 2 weeks ago I was pleasantly suprised at just how well the building work is going, some things take for ever in Uganda but thankfully not this project! Already the main structure is up and the roofing will be completed within a week or 2. I'll keep you all posted as the building continues!

RABU'S BOMBASTICAL HIMALAYAN ADVENTURES!!

Writing this in retrospect a couple of weeks after returning from my Himalayan adventure I have to pinch myself to make sure it wasn’t all a sublime dream! It’s hard to believe that I was blessed enough to see 4 of the 5 world’s highest mountains in all their glory!

From the very beginning it was one amazing experience after another. Here is the briefest of summaries!
DAY 1 -

Starting with the crazy, bone jangling jeep ride up ridiculously steep hairpin bends, bouncing away in a way that made me thank God for stematol (an anti-sickness pill) we went into Nepal to start the trek. We only walked about 10km to reach our first night’s stop, a fantastic little village with very friendly locals. The evening finished with Pa, Ma and myself in fits of giggles as we all donned are nepali woolly hats to go to bed. They really are this years must have accessory darling!

HIMALAYAN ADVENTURE - DAY 2

We woke up to beautiful views but the cloud soon rolled in. We undertook a short but energy sapping 8km STEEPER THAN STEEP climb up to our highest point of the trek, Sandakphu at 3636m (12,000ft). We arrived hoping to see amazing views but only saw banks of cloud! It even started snowing! Our lodge doubled up unexpectedly as the local discotheque which was good fun – Elaine, of course, was in her element getting her boogie on with a host of nepali geezas! Shaka de booty, de booty one time!

HIMALAYAN ADVENTURE - DAY 3

The altitude as well as a dodgey pot of coffee the day before (or was it perhaps the delights of the previous nights “rice pizza!”) was really starting to tell and by the morning Helen had been throwing up all night, and Dave and Steff had diarrhoea joining Michelle who by now was managing her altitude sickness with medication. A good day for us to be walking 22km!! My problem was quite the opposite, I’d been bunged as if someone had shoved a cork up me batty since I left Kolkata. An overdose of laxatives soon shifted the problem though!! Thankfully everyone managed it and as we arrived in the cloudy dusk that evening we wondered whether we were going to see any mountains at all!

The night at Phalut was an experience in itself. The combination of the FREEZING cold (so cold that the diesel in the Jeep froze solid), mother going to the loo about every 5 minutes and also her bed falling apart noisily (very amusing – especially dad’s sleepy response thinking it was someone knocking at the door – “hello…hello…??”) meant that little sleep was had.

HIMALAYAN ADVENTURE - DAY 4

I woke at 5:00 and immediately looked out the window to see of it was clear. Fishlips! It seemed to be cloudy. Then I realised it was simply that the windows were misted up! Hoorah it was clear indeed, we all jumped out of bed and frog-marched up the steep hill to be met by the sunrise and the most spectacular views I have ever seen and may well ever see. Words cannot describe what our eyes beheld, a panoramic view, clear as crystal of Kachendzonga all the way round to Everest, Lhotse and Makalu. Breathtaking!






It was a difficult thing to turn our backs and walk back down, but after a while we did. The rest of the day we walked down, 23km, and left the mountains behind to start walking through the lower bamboo forests and jungle.

Our stop for the night was a fabulous lodge, almost luxurious after the night in Phalut, as we had electricity for a few hours and RUNNING WATER! I enjoyed my first proper wash in 3 days!

After our usual fabulous meal, we were offered what our cooks described as “custard.” My hopes were soon dashed when they served a rubbery orange mass the taste of which can only be described as “propa mankey!” Not wanting to be rude and leave it I waited until the serving staff weren’t looking and spooned it into a sick bag. This caused much hilarity within our party and it was passed round for the others to do likewise. I knew that sick bag would come in useful sooner or later!

HIMALAYAN ADVENTURES - DAYS 5,6 & 7

We had a more leisurely finish to the trek and ambled along enjoying the lush green terraced hills, rivers and more beautiful views. At our stop that night we enjoyed the comfort of a hot shower and then the following morning drove back to Darjeeling.

In Darjeeling the next morning I opened the window to my hotel room to the most spectacular view of Kachendzonga! It was the icing on the cake to finish our Himalayan adventure! Brap brap BRAPPPPPP!!!!!!

Our 7 New Residents!

We have 7 new residents at River of Life Church, and they are of the furry nature! Last week Jack the dog (named by one of our boys who obviously didn't bother to look at its bits and see what sex it was!) gave birth to 7 puppies. I now have 6 new bredrins and 1 new sistrin! Brap!





I may however be one of the only people that is excited about this as Uganda is certainly a country where the phrase "a mans best friend" would never be used of a dog, and animals are often not well looked after. this has therefore provided me with a great opportunity to try and teach our boys to treat animals with a bit of respect! So far a couple of the boys are doing a grand effort, feeding Jack so she can produce enough milk, keeping the puppies locked up in a store and protected from wild animals and even helping me build a kennel for them to sleep in.

we're not sure what we're going to do with them all yet, but I would like us to keep one and then give the rest to others who will look after them. Anyway, I haven't named them yet so once again the challenge is set down, 7 names are needed, so let me know your ideas!

The Wonders of Technology!

This last Saturday we had our very first River of Life Church Film Night!

We showed the film Coach Carter using the projector and our PA system in the front garden of the church which is right off the main road in Nyendo. It was a fantastic event and showed what a difference to our ministries a piece of equipment like a projector can make!

The night wasn't without a few technical hitches but this is Uganda so these things are part and parcel of life. The main problem we had was that the DVD player wouldn't play the DVD so Mukisa had to race off up to Bwala to get Duncan and Mary's DVD player. Finally however, it worked!

The best thing was that over 200 people came and watched, and after I gave a short evangelistic message. It has shown the potential of such film nights and we look forward to making it a monthly fixture.

All I can say is Brap Brap and serious respec' to those who helped me get that projector, God is going to use it big style!

The Best & Worst of Uganda!!!

Well, having been back in Uganda a few weeks now I have settled back into to the swing of things. Whilst it's wonderful to be back, there are the usual challenges that go with living here such as another spell without any water in Bwala (where i am staying at the moment) and the readjustment to the wonders of Ugandan timekeeping!

This last weekend was a classic example of both the best and worst of Uganda. It was the engagement party of Emily, one of the elders of the church, so a bunch of us squashed into a coaster and trundled off to Kampala for the day.

Where the best of Uganda comes out was in the traditional badboy Ugandan 3 piece band made up of a geeza banging an African drum, another playing the traditional Ugandan guitar and then a complete nutter going raggo on a one string Ugandan violin (see the photo). It was brap-ting, I'm tellin you, serious booty shaking sensations! Of course Emily was looking lovely and then we feasted on a wide range of the best of Ugandan cuisine! Lovely jubley!




HOWEVER....I also experienced the worst of Uganda this day in the form of the classic Ugandan timekeeping! Now River of Life Church is pretty good at time-keeping, unfortunately the rest of Uganda isn't. This meant that we arrived at 11:30am, half an hour before it was supposed to start and then proceeded to sit around for 3 and a half hours waiting for everbody else!! When it did finally start 3 hours late at 3pm, the whole thing was angonisingly slow. The PA kept on breaking down, there was some guy trying to pass the time by cracking jokes that were so crap I wanted to smack him and we didn't eat until about 6:30 (having not eaten anything all day!). I drifted off more than a few times! Finally we left having been there for almost 9 hours and drove back to Masaka. I was NOT amused!!



Thankfully, church was only 4 hours long the next day!!!

The Most Horrific Tale You May Ever Hear!

There are some things in this world that make me wince at the mere thought, for example someone falling from a great height in a sitting position straight onto a red hot poker which impales them up their batty hole! There are other things that repulse me almost to the point of retching, for example the thought of eating a bowl of festy pus or licking a sweaty old granny's hairy armpit!!

Put both of these feelings together and you start to get an idea of the way I feel towards the world's most disgusting and vile creature - the cockroach! There are some things in this world that I truely believe God did not create, or if He did, have been grotesquely deformed by the devil - the cockroach is one of these. I have to be careful not to start on a long rant such is my loathing of these creatures.

So, let me recollect a harrowing and horrifying tale. It starts 2 nights ago when I was in my Bed and felt something on my head, brushing it off I thought it must be a spider. I have had such encounters many times - and the small spiders here don't worry me, so I soon fell back to sleep.

Fast forward now to last night. Once again as I was drifting off I felt something, this time on my face. As I brushed it off I heard the flap of wings. I suddenly realised it was not a spider and to my horror in the darkness of my room I saw the shaddowy figure of a gigantic flying cockroach (about the size of a small walrus!) skuttling acoss my pillow.

I sprung out of bed like a man possessed, flicked on the light and stood shivering with disgust in the centre of my room. I felt dirty and violated, not only that such a vile creature had entered the protective cacoon of my mosquito net but also that quite certainly it had been there since the previous night scuttling goodness knows where around my bed as I slept!!!

I grabbed my can of Doom and started searching for it, thanking God at the same time that the electricity was on. Oh my friends, woe betide the "kiss of death!" for the moment I voiced my thanks to God for the electricity, the light started to flicker! In complete panic I started spraying the doom everywhere trying to find the loathsome fat mama. Suddenly it jumped at me - it was a slow motion moment, and I swear I could almost see the whites of it's eyes as it came through the air. I blapsed it down and emptied about half a can of doom onto it, screaching with anger. And there it lay twitching. And no more than 2 seconds later the power went off. Praise be and all glory and thanks to Jesus! For had the power gone off but 10 seconds earlier I would have been in complete darkness not knowing where the detestible thing was and my nightmare would have been complete.

So join in my war cry now -

"death to all roaches, the filth of the earth,
death to all roaches, may you never give birth,
death to all roaches, how dare you you scum,
come into my bed, and make me feel numb,
death to all roaches, I just can't abide,
I'll strike you all down, with Doom at my side,
I'll laugh at you twitching, life ebbing away,
so death to all roaches, forever I say!"

Timmo's Personal Ponderous Proverbs - Verse 3

Greetings my monkeys! Once again it is time to delve into the book of Timmo to find yet another Ponderous Proverb that speaks of wisdom gained from interseting and sometimes unfortunate experiences. Here is verse 3!

The man that doth think that he can useth undiluted household Dettol on any bodily part will only learn a painful lesson!

To exemplify this proverb I'll tell you a little story: "Once there was a man named Shabooboo, this man whilst in the delerium of Malarial fever managed to cut one of his "golden chestnuts." The last thing he wanted was to end up with infection. He searched around for antiseptic cream or TCP but could find none. Finally he found a bottle of household Dettol in the kitchen.

Taking the Dettol and without really thinking he spalshed it on liberally without dilution. He described later that the burning he felt was as if he had dipped his golden chestnut into acid and then plunged it into the heart of the sun.

The story does not end here however as the next day he found to his dismay that layers of skin were peeling off. Thankfully, although really rather dim, he wasn't a complete moron and remebered that salt water was very healing. He thus managed to save his golden chestnut but not without learning a painful lesson."

Here endeth the lesson friends. God speed.

My New Worst Enemy!!

Many of you will know of my new acquired passion for killing rats (and by the way the ones living in our house seem to have gotton crafty and I have now gone over 2 months without getting one of the filthy ragtoes!). However the place in my heart reserved for special loathing has now been filled with another animal or insect in this case - the mosquito!

The reason for this is simple - malaria. I am just getting over my second bout since December, and this one was worse than the last (I won't go into details!) In fact, I have to say that this has not been a good week at all. On top of malaria I have also had a very itchy red rash on my heel, a toothache and finally somehow managed to cut myself in a rather delicate place. Without naming that place outright I'll simply refer to it as one of my golden chestnuts! Quadruple-Wamey!!

Anyway in the wake of this difficult week let the whole world of mosquitoes be warned of my wrath, for it will be you that will bare the brunt of what will surely become a one-man mentally crazed uncontrollable attack on you with any instrument of death and tortue I can get my hands on from cans of Doom to flame throwers and if you push me far enough, nuclear devices!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You ain't experienced real fish til you come to Uganda!

I must say I've frequented plenty a fish and chip establishment in my time but my friends if you have love for this culenary delight then you really must come to Uganda, bop down to Lake Nabugabo and let them fry you a fresh one thats still wriggling - (as you can see Jjunju Fred also highly recommnds it), and all for the equivalent of 1 pound! You know it makes sense.